So a few things have crossed my mind today and all of them lead me back to the idea that life really is a crap shoot. Sometimes people get lucky and seemingly get everything they need or want in life. Sometimes it seems that people get just about nothing they need or want and then there are most of us that fall in the middle somewhere.
That place where you are happy for the most part, but you have times when you want to punch someone or something. The place where you smile despite the fact that your life is a complete and utter shit storm. The place where you look around and think, "What on Earth is God thinking putting me through this?"
One of my family members made the comment today on fb that someone had said "such and such "bad thing" was part of God's plan?" Her response was "Yeah right - How is THAT part of God's plan?" This got me thinking ... I honestly find it amusing that people will give all credit to God or Jesus when things go great, when someone is cured of a disease, is helped out of financial strain, or some other miraculous happening occurs, BUT as soon as something goes bad or seems unfair the general thought is "Where was God on that one?"
Call me crazy BUT it is the essence of a belief in God and what God stands for that must mean that God has a hand in the crappy things too. Doesn't that seem right. Just because it isn't a part of OUR plan doesn't mean it wasn't a part of his. Um I have a shitty disease - yeah it sucks but you don't find me sitting here saying ya know .. this wasn't part of God's plan ... he was looking the other way when I was conceived and ended up with the bad genes. Simply the fact that I believe in an "All Knowing - All Seeing - All Powerful - God" means that he "Knew, Saw and had the Power" to make me what I am problems and all. If someone gets hit and killed by a drunk driver - you are telling me that God didn't know - if he wasn't ready for the person to join him then the person wouldn't be joining him. Make sense. I don't know that just bothered me ... it's not a part of God's plan because it is unfair. welcome to life it is unfair doesn't mean God doesn't know what is happening. If you feel that way you need to check your beliefs again cause something is seriously askew.
Also it was reaffirmed to me how truly lucky I am. As much as I have complained this year about the crap that I have dealt with in terms of my health I am fortunate. I have had, until this year, a relatively uneventful post transplant experience. I have been able to live my life and truly enjoy it. I have been given the opportunity to forget that I have a disease and that I have a daily routine in order to maintain my health. I have been put through a bit of a ringer this year, BUT I am going to make it through. There is a young lady (probably about my age honestly) named Lauren or Lo (The Spirit of Lo) and she has honestly been dealt a crap hand. She had a lung transplant and ended up needing a second. She had her second and has been plagued with issues. She ultimately had a kidney transplant and is now facing her final days and has committed to hospice care in order to enjoy her time with family and friends in the comfort of her home. As much as the things I have dealt with suck at times, I am lucky. I WILL keep on, at least for the time being. I am not quite sure if my continuing to "go" is due to my own ignorance or denial, but I am keeping on. I feel good considering that I do have some limitations now, but I am stable. I am coping with the changes and mentally making the adjustments that I need to make.
Life in the middle - it is challenging but rewarding. It can be a struggle but when you make it through and come out on the other side you have a sense of pride. I went the majority of my life being embarrassed or ashamed of myself because of my health problems as if I had done something to cause them. It wasn't until I had my transplant and came out on the other side healthy and doing amazingly well that I felt proud. I was no longer overwhelmed with the desire to hide my health issues. I tell people what I have been through because I am proud of where I have been and where I am going. My life has been firmly planted in the middle - but I am one of the lucky ones. I truly do have everything I need and most of what I want. Obviously everyone naturally wants more, but I have what I need. I just keep reminding myself that hey - it could be worse and at the very least I am going to live through this. I just hope that once it is over I have at least one good story to share from it.
Where ever your life may be (the bottom, the top or the middle) I hope you enjoy it cause quite honestly you could always be dead and if you are well that was just part of God's plan....